Dave's Daily Dose

"Emergency!" Sgiggs screamed, ejecting himself from the tub like it was
a burning car. "Dial 'one'! Get room service! Code red!" Stiggs was on
the phone immediately, ordering more rose blossoms, because, according to
him, the ones floating in the tub had suddenly lost their smell. "I demand
smell," he shrilled. "I expecting total uninterrupted smell from these
f*cking roses."

Unfortunately, the service captain didn't realize that the Stiggs situation
involved fifty roses. "What am I going to do with this?" Stiggs sneered at
the weaseling hotel goon when he appeared at our door holding a single flower
floating in a brandy glass. Stiggs's tirade was great. "Do you see this
bathtub? Do you notice any difference between the size of the tub and the
size of that spindly wad of petals in your hand? I need total bath coverage.
I need a completely solid layer of roses all around me like puffing factories
of smell, attacking me with their smell and power-ramming big stinking
concentrations of rose odor up my nostrils until I'm wasted with pleasure."
It wasn't long before we got so dissatisfied with this incompetence that we
bolted.
-- The Utterly Monstrous, Mind-Roasting Summer of O.C. and Stiggs,
National Lampoon, October 1982