Dave's Daily Dose

Michael O’Conner looks around and asks, ‘Oh, me boys, someone got’s to tell Paddy’s wife. Who will it be?’

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse.

‘Discreet??? I’m the most discreet Irishmen you’ll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.’

Gallagher goes over to Murphy’s house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, ‘Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.’

‘Tell him to drop dead!’, says Murphy’s wife..

‘I’ll go tell him.’ says Gallagher.

She says she’s going to Japan on business for three weeks and needs to borrow $3,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the title, and everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $110K car as collateral against such a small loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank’s secure garage and parks it there.

Three weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $3000 plus interest, which amounted to $17.38.

The loan officer asks “Mam, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very well, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are very wealthy. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $3000?”

The blonde replied, “Where else in Manhattan can I park my car for three weeks for under $20 and expect it to be there when I return?”

[Not all blondes are dumb!]

My Mother taught me LOGIC…
“If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.

My Mother taught me MEDICINE…
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they’re going to freeze that way.”

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD…
“If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job!”

My Mother taught me ESP…
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think that I know when you’re cold?”

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE…
“What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you…Don’t talk back to me!”

My Mother taught me HUMOR…
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

My mother taught me ABOUT SEX…
“How do you think you got here?”

My mother taught me about GENETICS…
“You are just like your father!”

My mother taught me about my ROOTS…
“Do you think you were born in a barn?”

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE…
“When you get to be my age, you will understand.”

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…
“Just wait until your father gets home.”

My mother taught me about RECEIVING…
“You are going to get it when we get home.”

and my all time favorite thing- JUSTICE
“One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU…then you’ll see what its like.”

“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,” he
said. “How much will you charge me?”

The blond quickly responded, “How about $50?”

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything
she would need was in the garage. The man’s wife, hearing
the conversation, said to her husband, “Does she realize
that our porch goes all the way around the house?”

He responded, “That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it?”

The wife replied, “You’re right. I guess I’m starting to
believe all those dumb blond jokes we’ve been getting by
e-mail lately.”

A short time later, the blond handywoman came to the door to
collect her money.

“You finished already?” the husband asked.

“Yes,” the blond replied, “and I had paint left over, so I
gave it two coats – no extra charge.”

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and
handed it to her.

“And by the way,” the blond added, “it’s not a Porch — it’s
a Lexus.”